September 27, 2011
ORLANDO, FL ---
After a weekend where the Mustaches led the league in scoring, abysmal performances by the entire starting squad resulted in a devastating loss. Blame could be placed on everyone's shoulders, and finger pointing was rampant throughout the locker room. Jason Witten commented, "It was a tough weekend. But Mike [Vick] really played like shit."
Vick responded, "I don't know about that. Goddamn but if [James] Starks wasn't awful."
Team owner, CEO, president, general manager, head coach and junior hot dog vendor Michael Leahy responded to the harsh criticism leveled at the team. "We'll play better next week. A lot of things really had to go wrong, and they all did. The big thing that went wrong was our terrible players."
In other news, league commissioner Nicholas O'Brien launched an investigation into the Mustaches' involvement with a recent ESPN article highly critical of Where the fuck is Jacksonville? Last Tuesday, the Mustaches quietly hired Gus Keller, the president of the Mustache Riders, the team's fan club. Keller was hired as a fan consultant, ostensibly to give him greater incentive to continue his already stellar work with the Mustache Riders. Keller, however, is believed to have been spamming the Jacksonville message board and may be the source quoted in the ESPN article.
Keller was reached by phone. "Do you really think I'm dumb enough to call myself 'SwissGuy420' on the Internet? Your stupid press releases always talk about how Swiss I am." Keller attempted to slam the phone to hang up, but apparently missed. "Man, I don't know. I love yelling, 'Ride the Mustache!' but I don't know if it's worth it anymore. At least they're subsidizing our little habit here. Pass that shit, man."
Nicholas O'Brien was not available for comment at this time.