Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Press Release from the Hulkadome: The Pendulum Swings Back to Victory in Week 4

October 4, 2011

For the fourth consecutive week, the Mustaches were at an extreme end of the league's scoring. Luckily, this week the Mustaches were at the top end, much like they were in Week 2.

"It was really a team effort. It was great to see Darren [Sproles] out there, tearing it up." Quarterback Michael Vick was generous with his praise after the win on Sunday. "This team can do some amazing things if we all band together like we did this weekend."

"But obviously, they gotta protect my ass 'cause it's really important to this fuckin' team."

Mustache team owner, CEO, president, general manager, head coach and parking ticket validation officer Michael Leahy was thrilled. "Great win. Great fuckin' win."

The game started on a sour note, however. The Mustaches had made a huge splash with the local community by hiring Tamara McDowell, a locally well-known singer, to provide in-game announcements and lead chants and songs. McDowell engendered a different kind of atmosphere at the Hulkadome, one that approached more of a European soccer match than an American football game.

McDowell was quickly released minutes before the game due to a sudden outburst that was broadcast throughout the stadium as fans were pouring in. "I hate that fucking cunt bitch. I'll kill her bitch ass." A scuffle was heard shortly thereafter, and an announcement was made apologizing to the crowd.

Team spokesman Gus Keller spoke about the event at a press conference following the game. "I didn't know that she said bad words. We say 'fuck' all the time here. Swiss chocolate is so good." A question directed Keller towards the usage of the so-called "c word" at the stadium, but Keller was evasive. "Yes, I was just made team spokesman. I couldn't be the president of the Mustache Riders any more, so I got this job. It's a wonderful opportunity. Suck it, Nick O'Brien."

Nicholas O'Brien was not available for comment at this time.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Born Out of Tragedy: The Alarmingly True Story of the Randy Savage Memorial League

Randy Savage, the inspiration for the league

Grief spread around the country on May 20, 2011. When the news broke that professional wrestling legend Randy Savage had passed away from a sudden heart attack, the world stopped, if even for a moment.

“I knew I had to do something. Randy would have wanted us all to do something.” Nicholas O’Brien was a mere law student on that day. “I had saved up some money, and I knew that Randy would want me to do something big.”
O’Brien began sending out feelers to others he had met in school. He first contacted his two roommates, Justin Denton and Justin Otten. “Justin was totally on board when I first floated the idea out to him. Justin, on the other hand, was a lot more skeptical.”
The idea was to start a brand new professional football league in direct competition with the National Football League. The recently begun United Football League had branded itself similarly in its 2009 debut, but the league was little more than a collection of NFL castoffs and draft busts. O’Brien envisioned the RSML as more, much more. He knew he was going to have to steal NFL players from their teams and compensate them for breaching their contracts.
O’Brien also knew that he would have to strike quickly; the NFL’s labor situation was deteriorating rapidly and there would be no better time to strike than in the months ahead. “June and onward was the critical time. We needed to get in with the players, and start to make some deals before the NFL would get its collective bargaining situation figured out.”
Word was sent out to the NFL Players’ Association that a new young investor was looking to kickstart a new league. Though O’Brien intended to keep this news quiet, word quickly leaked out. On Tuesday, May 23rd, news about the new league was the lead story on SportsCenter. Much of the early reporting was skeptical.
“Does this O’Brien character really think that the Tom Bradys and Adrian Petersons of the world will really jump ship from a proven commodity like the NFL to join this flash in the pan league named after some wrestler? This is absolutely ridiculous! I can’t believe that anyone inside the NFL is taking this seriously,” commented radio and television host Colin Cowherd on his morning radio program that day. Cowherd laughed, “It’s completely absurd. Just a total waste of money.”
O’Brien was undaunted. With secrecy blown, he started directly contacting the players’ agents. “Most of them didn’t really take me seriously at first. But when they heard the amount of money I was going to be throwing around, things got a lot more real.”
As life is wont to do, events in O’Brien’s life slowed down the negotiations. O’Brien had planned to spend the summer in Europe, dividing his time between Vienna, Austria and Budapest, Hungary. The trip proved lucrative for both O’Brien and the nascent league. He met two of his major investors while abroad. The first was Sophia Hall, an Oakland native who had built her wealth through medical devices designed for people recovering from wrist surgery. The second one was Michael Leahy.
O’Brien reminisced about those first moments meeting Leahy, “I knew there was something about this Mike Leahy guy. Yeah, he had the money to help, even though he never told me where he got it, but he also had a spark that I knew would ignite the league and help it catch fire.”
A descendant of Tennessee trailer park owners, Leahy is a hard-drinking, foul-mouthed and yet gregariously likable individual who impressed O’Brien immediately. “I knew he could start a cornerstone franchise, one that would become like the Pittsburgh Steelers of the NFL. Or at least like the Oakland Raiders. Leahy is really more like an Al Davis-type anyway.”
It also helped that Leahy had political connections as well. His great-uncle, Patrick Leahy, is the current Democratic Senator from the state of Vermont. Leahy told us that his uncle had always inspired him to reach his goals. “And now I needed that motherfucker to reach with me. Get off his old ass and sue those NFL motherfuckers.”
And so they did. An antitrust lawsuit was filed in federal court against the NFL by O’Brien’s collective of investors. In unprecedented swiftness, O’Brien won. The NFL appealed the decision, but in the now landmark decision, National Football League v. O’Brien, the Supreme Court leveled a devastating two-barreled blow to the NFL. Not only would a large portion of the NFL’s contracts be summarily voided, but the NFL would have to pay out a large undisclosed sum of money to O’Brien’s new league.
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia
“This has gone on long enough. It is time for American sports to embrace American ideals. The way that we have treated professional sports leagues in this country has run so antithetical to the ideals set forth by our Founding Fathers as to be profoundly disturbing. Today, by a vote of 8-1, we hold that government mandated monopolies of this type shall no longer be valid as a matter of federal law,” read Justice Antonin Scalia’s famous opinion.
The lone dissenter, Justice Sonia Sotomayor, was dismayed by the decision. She commented to the Washington Post that, “This is not American justice. The NFL, Major League Baseball, and the NBA are unique organizations in the context of the American economic system.”
Leahy was quoted in that same article, “What a bitch.”
O’Brien was now able to instruct his legal team, headed by future owner Colin Murphy, to begin sending out firm offers around the country. This dealt a devastating blow to the labor negotiations of the NFL. The former NFLPA had recently decertified as a union, and re-organized as the Randy Savage Memorial League Players’ Association. The RSMLPA sat down in a conference call with O’Brien, Leahy and the other investors in early July.
“That shit was crazy. They wanted our dicks so bad. That motherfucker Nick and I were only too happy to give them to the players. And baby, they sucked ‘em hard. We got everything we wanted in that fuckin’ negotiation. I don’t know what the fuck those fuckers were thinking. The NFL really fucked up. We took those bitches and fucked ‘em straight in the ass.” Leahy was extremely positive about the initial negotiation sessions he had had with the new RSMLPA. “We fucked ‘em good.”
Without the same elaborate revenue sharing plan or salary cap that had pinned down player wages in the NFL, star players were demanding and receiving enormous salaries from the new owners. On the flip side, however, the lesser role players on the teams found themselves facing sharply reduced wages.
Avon Barksdale of The Wire
Sports columnist Bill Simmons put it this way: “The sports world suddenly reflected The Wire. Where we used to have everyone getting paid well and pretty evenly, we now had a system where Tom Brady and Peyton Manning were like Avon Barksdale and Marlo, making all the money, and everyone else on the team like Bodie, making a little money but really just taking all the shit.”
With the downfall of the NFL, the players really had little choice. RSMLPA president DeMaurice Smith promised a better deal the next time around. “I really didn’t think it would pan out this way. I’m probably going to get fired.”
With the players locked up and under contract, all that was left to do was to assign cities to the owners and hold a draft. Rather than the East Coast focus of the NFL, many of the RSML teams were based in the west. Hall was granted a team in Oakland, and Murphy a team in San Francisco. Justin Otten started his team down in Los Angeles. The eastern part of the country wasn’t neglected, though, with O’Brien’s team located in Detroit and Amanda Snyder opening her team in Brooklyn. Other owners were spread out throughout the country.
Controversy, of course, arose with the announcement of the placement of Leahy’s team. To gather the southern market, and due to his southern ties, Leahy was given Orlando. He didn’t go quietly. “What did I do to deserve this shit? Goddamn I hate it here. But I’m gonna put on a good face, maybe put on some charity events or some shit to really draw those idiots in.” Rumors of potential lawsuits and even criminal charges have emerged from Leahy’s office since he was forced to locate his team in Orlando.
Despite the unbelievably quick turnaround and lightning-fast preparations, the first week of the RSML went off without a hitch. Apparently America’s love of football knows no allegiance to one brand name or another. Attendance records for American football were shattered across the country that first week, and players warmed to their new locales.
“It’s nice being here. I really respect the ownership and the league structure. I’m sad to see all my NFL records disappear, but I’ll be sure to set some more in the RSML. I do kind of miss [former New England Patriots head coach Bill] Belichick, though.” Quarterback Tom Brady was sentimental as he walked off the field after his first game with his new team, Ndamukong Suh the Bastards.
“But you know who I really miss? Randy Savage. Wherever you are, buddy, we’re doing this for you.”

Press Release from the Hulkadome: Inconsistency Mars Week 3

September 27, 2011

After a weekend where the Mustaches led the league in scoring, abysmal performances by the entire starting squad resulted in a devastating loss. Blame could be placed on everyone's shoulders, and finger pointing was rampant throughout the locker room. Jason Witten commented, "It was a tough weekend. But Mike [Vick] really played like shit."

Vick responded, "I don't know about that. Goddamn but if [James] Starks wasn't awful."

Team owner, CEO, president, general manager, head coach and junior hot dog vendor Michael Leahy responded to the harsh criticism leveled at the team. "We'll play better next week. A lot of things really had to go wrong, and they all did. The big thing that went wrong was our terrible players."

In other news, league commissioner Nicholas O'Brien launched an investigation into the Mustaches' involvement with a recent ESPN article highly critical of Where the fuck is Jacksonville? Last Tuesday, the Mustaches quietly hired Gus Keller, the president of the Mustache Riders, the team's fan club. Keller was hired as a fan consultant, ostensibly to give him greater incentive to continue his already stellar work with the Mustache Riders. Keller, however, is believed to have been spamming the Jacksonville message board and may be the source quoted in the ESPN article.

Keller was reached by phone. "Do you really think I'm dumb enough to call myself 'SwissGuy420' on the Internet? Your stupid press releases always talk about how Swiss I am." Keller attempted to slam the phone to hang up, but apparently missed. "Man, I don't know. I love yelling, 'Ride the Mustache!' but I don't know if it's worth it anymore. At least they're subsidizing our little habit here. Pass that shit, man."

Nicholas O'Brien was not available for comment at this time.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Excerpt from ESPN Randy Savage Memorial League Article: What the Fuck is Going on in Jacksonville?

Updated: September 24, 2011, 10:39 PM ET

What the Fuck is Going on in Jacksonville?

ESPN.com news services

The new football league that swallowed the National Football League in one fell swoop this past summer has its new fans already up in arms across message boards and blogs regarding the management of one of its more colorfully named teams: Where the fuck is Jacksonville?

After a questionable draft strategy that saw team owner Justin Otten draft four quarterbacks in the league's inaugural draft, Jacksonville's fans hopes were buoyed by the presence of new stars such as Peyton Manning and Jamaal Charles, as well as the return of former Jaguars quarterback David Garrard. However, with all three of these players now likely out of contention for the remainder of the season, hope is wearing thin.

The thing that fans have been commenting on most vocally though is the lack of roster moves since those players have found themselves unable to compete. "They need to drop Charles and Peyton," commented SwissGuy420 on Jacksonville's official boards. "That Otten guy needs to get himself some new blood on the team. SMOKEWEED4LIFE."

Calls to Jacksonville's front office have thus far not been returned, creating a further lack of optimism amongst the local media. Jacksonville local morning radio host Mark Stephens told ESPN that he's placed numerous calls to Otten's office but has been unsuccessful. "All I get is a phone message when I call. It says, 'Where the fuck is Jacksonville is dealing with some fucking business. Leave a message at the fucking beep.' But there's never a beep! I guess it's back to fart noises for entertainment. Those Jacksonville idiots love fart noises."

Press Release from the Hulkadome: A Successful Week 2

September 20, 2011

Raucous cheering could be heard throughout the night in the streets of Orlando as the Mustaches celebrated their first victory of both the season and the franchise's history. Strong performances by the wide receiving combo of Vincent Jackson and Jeremy Maclin sealed the victory for the Mustaches over their burgeoning rival, Ndamukong Suh the Bastards.

"It's a great feeling. I really wanted to come up with a big game for the team, and we all did just that." Jackson was giddy with excitement as he came off the field. "We really showed the world tonight what we can do. Ride the Mustache, baby!"

Not all the news from the weekend was positive, however. Quarterback Michael Vick had to leave the game early with a head injury that was later revealed to be a concussion. It's unknown whether or not he'll be ready to go next week. Vick responded to questions regarding his health for next week. "Man, I'm no pussy. I'm gonna play. Hey! Where the hell is the janitor? I told him to keep those damn blackbirds out of the locker room. Get out, blackbirds! I ain't done you wrong!"

Perhaps no one was happier than Mustache Riders president and noted Swiss person Gus Keller. "I'm so fucking happy! Ooh, it's like being in a river of Lindt chocolate. I love America! And Switzerland, but maybe a little less!" Keller also announced a rally in front of the Hulkadome for the next game as well. "This time we'll have even more beer!"

As a last note, team owner, CEO, president, general manager, head coach and PR consultant Michael Leahy was disappointed to announce that the federal court had thrown out his suit against commissioner Nicholas O'Brien for conflict of interest. "Yes, it's true that Mr. O'Brien did not also own the Bastards. But we have many more charges we'll be exploring throughout the year." Leahy then proceeded, "We gotta get that little bastard. Fuck him. What do you mean? The mic? No, I turned it off. What? They're hearing this? Oh shit."

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Excerpt from the Orlando Sentinel: A Brewing Storm Around Local Hurricane Relief Campaign

By Angela Lansbury, Orlando Sentinel
September 13, 2011

ORLANDO --- Controversy erupted today around new local football team Hulk Hogan's Mustache. An extremely ill-conceived hurricane relief event sponsored by the team was picketed by numerous local citizens. The campaign, called "F*** Hurricanes," was the team's attempt to begin reaching out to the victims of recent Hurricane Irene.

Of course, the signs decorating the football team's so-called Hulkadome were not censored and instead prominently displayed the four-letter obscenity in bright letters. Local resident Tamara Shotwell spoke to me yesterday. "I was deeply offended. I drive by this monstrosity of a stadium everyday to take my kids to school. Now I have to look at this filth?"

Team owner Michael Leahy responded to criticism with his usual evasiveness. "I've been looking into who it was that came up with the relief program. I assure you that once I do, that person will be fired. But don't expect any news soon."

Leahy's typically petulant behavior was also on display as he continued to complain about the public's response. "I mean, what the hell? I'm giving back to this stupid community. I wanted to open my damn team in California, but the f***ing commissioner forced me to move to g**damn f***ing s***hole Orlando. F*** this place. And who was that bitch that called my stadium a monstrosity? It's f***ing badass. And this time, use all my f***ing titles. I gave those to me for a reason, so f*** you." Leahy then proceeded to ask me out on a date. I politely declined.

Fallout from the "F*** Hurricanes" campaign was felt in Miami as well. The president of the University of Miami expressed concern that the campaign could also be used against the University in a derogatory fashion. University of Florida students have been collecting the campaign's signs in anticipation of this year's rivalry football game. Miami president Jerry Connell expressed concern that the signs would inflame the already heated rivalry.

Press Release from the Hulkadome: Week 1 in the Books

September 13, 2011

Despite a strong Week 1 effort from quarterback Michael Vick, poor running back performances doomed the Mustaches. Vick, however, remained positive. "It's Week 1. We're still working out the kinks. I think this team just needs to play together a little more and we'll be fine."

These assurances will likely not deter head coach Michael Leahy from taking a hard look at his roster for upcoming weeks. "I think we missed an opportunity to try out some of our younger and more dynamic players. James Starks was just sitting there on the bench, and he really could have helped us out today."

Team owner Michael Leahy echoed the head coach's thoughts. "I really thought we missed an opportunity to give a chance to our dynamic and younger players. Ryan Grant just really didn't have it on Sunday."

Despite the tough loss, hope springs anew. Mustache Riders president Gus Keller is excited about the Week 2 matchup with Ndamukong Suh the Bastards. Keller is planning a rally in front of the Hulkadome before kickoff. Keller added, "I don't understand that team's name. Suh is on our team."

"And I am Swiss."

As a last note, corruption charges against the Bastards' owner Nicholas O'Brien are still pending before the federal court. Mustache owner, CEO, president, general manager, head coach and special teams coordinator Michael Leahy is a well-known proponent of the group leading the charge against O'Brien. Much of the litigation focuses on O'Brien's conflict of interest resulting from his place as both commissioner of the league and owner of the Bastards. The Mustaches' general counsel Colin Murphy told the press, "It's bullshit that O'Brien gets to be commissioner and an owner. That asshole gave himself the first pick in the draft too. And no, I don't think it's a conflict of interest that I'm an owner and also another team's general counsel. I'm good at my fucking job."

Nicholas O'Brien was not available for comment at this time.