September 20, 2011
ORLANDO, FL ---
Raucous cheering could be heard throughout the night in the streets of Orlando as the Mustaches celebrated their first victory of both the season and the franchise's history. Strong performances by the wide receiving combo of Vincent Jackson and Jeremy Maclin sealed the victory for the Mustaches over their burgeoning rival, Ndamukong Suh the Bastards.
"It's a great feeling. I really wanted to come up with a big game for the team, and we all did just that." Jackson was giddy with excitement as he came off the field. "We really showed the world tonight what we can do. Ride the Mustache, baby!"
Not all the news from the weekend was positive, however. Quarterback Michael Vick had to leave the game early with a head injury that was later revealed to be a concussion. It's unknown whether or not he'll be ready to go next week. Vick responded to questions regarding his health for next week. "Man, I'm no pussy. I'm gonna play. Hey! Where the hell is the janitor? I told him to keep those damn blackbirds out of the locker room. Get out, blackbirds! I ain't done you wrong!"
Perhaps no one was happier than Mustache Riders president and noted Swiss person Gus Keller. "I'm so fucking happy! Ooh, it's like being in a river of Lindt chocolate. I love America! And Switzerland, but maybe a little less!" Keller also announced a rally in front of the Hulkadome for the next game as well. "This time we'll have even more beer!"
As a last note, team owner, CEO, president, general manager, head coach and PR consultant Michael Leahy was disappointed to announce that the federal court had thrown out his suit against commissioner Nicholas O'Brien for conflict of interest. "Yes, it's true that Mr. O'Brien did not also own the Bastards. But we have many more charges we'll be exploring throughout the year." Leahy then proceeded, "We gotta get that little bastard. Fuck him. What do you mean? The mic? No, I turned it off. What? They're hearing this? Oh shit."