Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Great Literature

Yes, I wrote another book. "Another?" You say. Surely you have heard of me? I have written several articles for the Atlantic Monthly, and have had multiple book reviews featured in The New Yorker. Aren't you a connoisseur of fine literary magazines, many of which I have been submitting short stories to for many years? No? My stories are highly recognizable: those which deal most piercingly with loss, death and the redemptive qualities of sweet revenge. Before you say another word, I will say, yes, that these seem to be rather pedestrian subjects for an intellect so obviously well-tutored as my own. Let me just say that had you ever indulged in one of these stories, you would clearly see how I manage to display the inner-workings of any of my subjects in the most incisive way possible. I give details where they are needed, furthermore, I close off my subjects so as to allow you, my faithful reader, the chance to inject your own experiences into my stories. Yes, I know you have yet to read anything of mine, but you shall! And once you do, there is not a single doubt in my mind that you are to become a faithful reader of mine! What's that? No, no, no. You cannot COUNT your fans in numbers, or your success in money, rather in the impact which you unleash upon a people needing a jolt! If only publishers understood the real yardstick of success! These half-breed troglodytes are forever surprised that another young writer has killed their self after another rejection letter, only to find that that young writer's unfinished work was the next Great American Novel. It's true! Have you read A Confederacy of Dunces? Brilliant! As an unfinished novel, most ambitious! What a charming story! Oh, yes, you have read it? No, no, it was not finished. Are you serious? My publisher must have wrangled me an early copy prior to its editing! Yes, that must be it. Of course. Ha ha! This reminds me, in a most profound way, of the journey of the protagonist of my latest novel! For you see, young Antawn Johnson was always told he would be nothing but a lowly janitor. But then, by the grace of his beautiful young English teacher, a woman drawn to urban life out of her own childhood's suburban trappings, Antawn learns the value of great literature. What does he become? Oh, a spoken-word poet who dabbles in music, of course! I can relate so strongly to this character, well, the English teacher, I mean. As an idealistic young man fresh out of the University of Pennsylvania, I ventured into the city of Philadelphia to impact those communities! And impact, I did! In fact, had the uneducated swine of a principal at the high school not fired me for my so-called "offensive" and "alienating" teaching methods, those children would have had no choice but to succeed. I love rap and hip-hop, I listen to the Roots and Mos Def most every day. They are my education of the streets, something I could bring to those students! An outside perspective! But I suppose, in this hyper-sensitive, politically correct, good self-esteem world, there is no more room for the upper class white man. Now I know why my books have yet to be published!