Sunday, September 18, 2011

Press Release from the Hulkadome: Week 1 in the Books

September 13, 2011

Despite a strong Week 1 effort from quarterback Michael Vick, poor running back performances doomed the Mustaches. Vick, however, remained positive. "It's Week 1. We're still working out the kinks. I think this team just needs to play together a little more and we'll be fine."

These assurances will likely not deter head coach Michael Leahy from taking a hard look at his roster for upcoming weeks. "I think we missed an opportunity to try out some of our younger and more dynamic players. James Starks was just sitting there on the bench, and he really could have helped us out today."

Team owner Michael Leahy echoed the head coach's thoughts. "I really thought we missed an opportunity to give a chance to our dynamic and younger players. Ryan Grant just really didn't have it on Sunday."

Despite the tough loss, hope springs anew. Mustache Riders president Gus Keller is excited about the Week 2 matchup with Ndamukong Suh the Bastards. Keller is planning a rally in front of the Hulkadome before kickoff. Keller added, "I don't understand that team's name. Suh is on our team."

"And I am Swiss."

As a last note, corruption charges against the Bastards' owner Nicholas O'Brien are still pending before the federal court. Mustache owner, CEO, president, general manager, head coach and special teams coordinator Michael Leahy is a well-known proponent of the group leading the charge against O'Brien. Much of the litigation focuses on O'Brien's conflict of interest resulting from his place as both commissioner of the league and owner of the Bastards. The Mustaches' general counsel Colin Murphy told the press, "It's bullshit that O'Brien gets to be commissioner and an owner. That asshole gave himself the first pick in the draft too. And no, I don't think it's a conflict of interest that I'm an owner and also another team's general counsel. I'm good at my fucking job."

Nicholas O'Brien was not available for comment at this time.

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