Thursday, August 28, 2008

A Constructive Note

Fuckin' A. They say a man ain't a man till he's built something. Something that he can be proud of, something that shows the world that he is a man. For the past two years, Bill, I've been building. Waking up early on Saturday, staying up late during the week. Day in and day out, my mind fixed on my goal: to leave a legacy, to remind people of who I was. And I think I've done it. I've spent hundreds, thousands of dollars on this monument to manhood. I believe I may have personally paid for my local hardware store's mortgage twenty years early. But that was the dedication I put forth into this structure. You see, it wasn't just me up there, swinging my hammer, pounding in the nails, my dad was up there too. Just like the day he gave me my first screwdriver he closed his hand around mine and guided my skill. I could feel his presence. In a strange way, I almost feel like I built this not only for me, but for him as well. You know Bill, there were days when I didn't think I would ever finish. There were days where things just didn't go right. Days like that one afternoon my dog chased a squirrel through the site and ended up in the cement truck's mixer. So this is dedicated to him too. Even though I know you were always supportive of my work, I have to mention all the doubters and scorners too. They were the ones who gave me the little extra bit of fire I needed on days where I just felt like this project would never end. Rather than crush my spirit, they only caused it to soar higher. So I thank them too. But last of all, I want to thank you, Bill. Without your steady hand at the rudder, I would never have sailed so straight. Ironic choice of words, I know, but thank you all the same. Now today we have a place to engage in our leather-bound masochistic butt-fucking without any looky-loos or inquisitive children. Get that ass inside, Bill.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Comedy that Crucifies

How you all doing tonight? Great, great. Tonight I'm gonna make you laugh, cry, and sing, all in the name of the Lord. Hopefully. Ha ha. Let me tell you about a little place I like to go. I call it my "special place." Even Jesus don't know where that is, so I tell him, "Hey Jesus, this way, don't bump your head!" He did once. Guess he's used to torture! Well anyway, I went into my special place to talk to the Lord a little bit. Lord, I said, The wife and I been having some problems lately. Sometimes I just don't know what she's talking about. But I mean, the Longhorns were on the five with thirty seconds left down by a field goal! How'm I supposed to listen to how the kids' grades is slippin' when the volume's up to 78? Don't she know that Saturday is a day of reverence? I guess it is for Jews and University of Texas football fans!

You know, kids is such a blessing. Or maybe one of the seven plagues. First plague: too many mouths to feed and a whole heap of debt. Seventh plague: relief. Just kidding to all of you proud parents out there. You know, I'm very proud of my children. Three of 'em are gonna be in college all at the same time, though. I know, I know. There is nobody on Earth praying for the Rapture harder than I am. You know, that reminds me. D'you think that if the Rapture happened during the Super Bowl we could all just say, "Hang back, Lord, I gotta know what happens!" I can't wait to see what the Lord has to say about football. I'm one step away from proclaiming it the most wonderful thing ever invented. Right behind eternal grace.

I'd really like to thank all of the fine people at this wonderful institution for letting me speak here tonight. I know it's strange asking a comedian talk for the sermon, but I'm sure you all here don't mind a little spice added to the Bread of Life! The pastor here, Reverend Simmons, this man sure has seen it all. He's so old, he learned to swim to survive the Great Flood! I've also had a wonderful chance to work hand-in-hand with Assistant Pastor Jenkins. He told me that he loves the church here, and that the Reverend is a very exacting and demanding mentor. Said that if he had been around during Moses' time, he would've edited the "Ten Commandments!" I told him, "If? I heard there were originally twelve of 'em and old Reverend Simmons sat down with Moses hisself and told him to cut it down!" Well, that's all the time I've got, but I'd like to finish with some words of wisdom that I was lucky enough to receive at a young age. "Sharpening your spiritual edge is as important as sharpening the edge of your sword, for the day will come when iron fails and all you will have left is yourself and your Lord." Thank you very much.

And if you come to tonight's show, I'll be treating you to a frank and extensive description of my cock.

Beijing 2008

Hey Lawrence. Yeah, good weekend. How was yours? Oh, great. That kid of yours sure has a wild streak! Gotta keep an eye on her as she grows up! Yeah. Oh, Larry, here's that report you needed. I don't think it's gonna be a feasible idea. The numbers just don't line up. Yeah, I know this is an important account. Ok, I'll see what I can do. Yeah, just give me a little time to iron it out. Yeah, no problem. Hey, you been watching the Olympics? Man, those people are amazing! I can't believe it! That Michael Phelps, eight gold medals, that's a shitload. I'd be happy with just one. So, you must be pretty excited about the whole thing. Well you know, it taking place in Beijing and all. Really highlights your culture! Well, I mean that having the Olympics in China really shows the world how far your people have come. I was watching this History Channel special the other day about China, about how long it cut itself off from the rest of the world and how only Ping-Pong brought the world into the Forbidden City. Man, you must be GREAT at Ping-Pong. Yeah, we should play some time! My brother would barely believe it if I told him I beat a Chinese guy at Ping-Pong. You guys totally stole all the medals in that sport. Oh, excuse me, table tennis. That's awfully pretentious. It's Ping-Pong, dammit. Did you ever hear that joke about the two Chinese guys named Ping and Pong? Guess what sport they invented. Tennis! Ha ha, yeah. No, I don't think that's necessarily racist. Now I bet you've got all sorts of relatives named Ping and Pong! Wait a second, American names don't have base or ball in them. What are you implying? That's right. Look, I'm just commenting on your Chinese heritage. I'm sure you're proud of it. No, seriously. I really am saying you should be proud of what your people are proud of, hell, I'm proud of Stonehenge! That's my Scottish side coming out. Whoa, all of them? Oh, I guess they must have left at least one person, or else you wouldn't be here. Yeah, I guess the Chinese occupation of Manchuria must have been hard on you. Speaking of occupations, did you ever see that movie "Braveheart?" It's awesome, reminds me of my family's struggles. You guys have a movie like that? So all of the Koreans were subjugated and some were slaughtered? Guess that wouldn't make for that great of an ending…