Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Press Release from the Hulkadome: The Pendulum Swings Back to Victory in Week 4

October 4, 2011

For the fourth consecutive week, the Mustaches were at an extreme end of the league's scoring. Luckily, this week the Mustaches were at the top end, much like they were in Week 2.

"It was really a team effort. It was great to see Darren [Sproles] out there, tearing it up." Quarterback Michael Vick was generous with his praise after the win on Sunday. "This team can do some amazing things if we all band together like we did this weekend."

"But obviously, they gotta protect my ass 'cause it's really important to this fuckin' team."

Mustache team owner, CEO, president, general manager, head coach and parking ticket validation officer Michael Leahy was thrilled. "Great win. Great fuckin' win."

The game started on a sour note, however. The Mustaches had made a huge splash with the local community by hiring Tamara McDowell, a locally well-known singer, to provide in-game announcements and lead chants and songs. McDowell engendered a different kind of atmosphere at the Hulkadome, one that approached more of a European soccer match than an American football game.

McDowell was quickly released minutes before the game due to a sudden outburst that was broadcast throughout the stadium as fans were pouring in. "I hate that fucking cunt bitch. I'll kill her bitch ass." A scuffle was heard shortly thereafter, and an announcement was made apologizing to the crowd.

Team spokesman Gus Keller spoke about the event at a press conference following the game. "I didn't know that she said bad words. We say 'fuck' all the time here. Swiss chocolate is so good." A question directed Keller towards the usage of the so-called "c word" at the stadium, but Keller was evasive. "Yes, I was just made team spokesman. I couldn't be the president of the Mustache Riders any more, so I got this job. It's a wonderful opportunity. Suck it, Nick O'Brien."

Nicholas O'Brien was not available for comment at this time.