Sunday, April 20, 2008

My Prejudices

Prejudice is a feeling we are taught to suppress from a young age. We learn that it's not OK to make passing judgments about other people simply because of how they look. Different people are all blessed with their own unique talents, minds, and passions. And, simply because a person belongs to a certain group, it does not mean that they hold the same values as other people who also look or act like them. Of course, it doesn't mean I can't make fun of the people who fit into my favorite prejudices. I now present to you my prejudices, albeit a small sampling of them, in no particular order.

People with Extraordinary Underbites:

The inspiration for this piece. In case you're curious, these are people whose bottom jaws jut out further than their top jaw. (As a side note, I actually have no problem with most people like this. In fact, this bit is directly pointed at one individual whose presence I am required to tolerate, even if it is a scant few hours a week, despite the smoldering disgust I experience in his presence. I believe that the Internet has far too much generalized hate, here's some explicitly targeted hate, cleverly disguised as general hate. So now, I continue.) These people always look like they're chewing something, which makes them look like cows. In my experience, they are usually chewing tobacoo, gum, or cud. In case, you're curious, cud is the substance which cows and People with Extraordinary Underbites (PwEUs) have digested and thrown back up into their mouths to further break down so that their other stomachs can break down the food more completely. Perhaps this is an evolutionary advantage of the PwEUs, since they can feast on hay and grass when the rest of the human race has exhausted or resource of cows, pigs, horses, and other meats we can consume. With this chewing motion, they tend to talk by only moving the bottom half of their mouth. The average human utilizes their entire mouth to form syllables, noises, and the shape necessary This distorts their speech. If you've seen the movie "Sling Blade," you know what I mean. I personally know that Billy Bob Thornton did not have to affect an accent at all for the movie, he just had his jaw surgically shoved out further. I also personally know that he gives thanks to Jesus every day because "Sling Blade" made enough money that he could have his jaw put back into place. (He thanks Jesus by not having sex with Angelina Jolie anymore. Apparently she wasn't hot enough for him. What the fuck?? Who is he waiting for? I'm sorry, Billy Bob, but Angelina is about as unbe-fucking-lievably hot as they come.)

People Who Don't Swing Their Arms While Walking:

What is wrong with these people? Have they ever watched another person walk? I mean, seriously, even monkeys, apes and chimpanzees figured this one out. And they throw their shit at each other for fun! (And not just in a bizarre Internet sex video way, they do it even if they aren't being videotaped to be sold on the Internet for $15 a pop.) Beyond this, I hate to recycle tired Seinfeld jokes, so I'll leave it at monkey poop.

People Who Remark that Every Event in Their Life is "Random":

Fuck these people. I had to listen to a conversation on the bus yesterday between a guy and his "bro" commenting how unbelievably "random" their day was. (Wait, the teacher was five minutes late? Holy shit! Random!) To these people, any daily event that is halfway humorous is somehow "random." Yeah, it's different than what you expected, throwing in a "that was totally random" doesn't make the story any better. In fact, I'm telling you that your inane need to hold on to this word as your one descriptor of daily life makes me want to do something really random: buy a nail gun. I don't want to kill them, I just want to staple them to a wall. And then, in a truly random moment, cover them in fish guts and take them out to sea to be attacked by sharks. How many people die by shark attack each year? About 25*. (*Research not guaranteed to be accurate.) How many people are late to things they should not be late to every year? About 6 fucking billion. So therefore, if you want to experience a truly random event that will make your friends envious, let me nail you to a board, cover you with fish guts, and let you get eaten by a Great White in the middle of the Pacific. You'll thank me later.

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