Sunday, April 20, 2008

The History of Cal Poly-SLO

In the beginning, there was nothing. Nothing wasn't a lot of fun. Jesus said, "God, it sucks here in Nothing." So God did what he always did: told Jesus to get off his ass and do something about it. So Jesus invented the Earth. Unfortunately, the first Earth wasn't all that great, so God pushed it over, re-named it Mars, and let His Son have another try. Under His dutiful Eye, Jesus created the Earth we know today. Take that, Big Bang theory.

Now we have the Earth. Over time, people came to inherit the Earth. The only thing was God had to die first, so Jesus killed him. Which brings us to San Luis Obispo. Before people inherited the Earth, dinosaurs were also vying for the inheritance. The final decisive blow was struck on the site of the Mustang Statue, which commemorates man's innovative use of horses to defeat the marauding velociraptors.

Nothing happened in San Luis Obispo for thousands, even millions of years.

Jesus was pissed at Nothing's return.

At the beginning of the 20th century, President Theodore Roosevelt began a movement of higher education to combat the growing evil of Earth's bastard cousin Mars. Though that evil turned out to simply be the Germans, many universities were founded that operate to this day. One of these universities was the San Luis Obispo Institute of Technology and Spacecraft. The region's rich agricultural surroundings allowed the Institute to develop a form of agriculture that could sustain life in various climates, even those harsher than experienced on Earth. This research is directly responsible for the success of the Moon cities of the 1930s. It was at this time that the Institute was forcibly taken over by a cabal of suffragettes who saw agricultural technology as the future of the United States and sought to mold the finest minds into agricultural geniuses. (Hence the new university motto: "Ic semper yerflek" meaning "To the future – crops"). The suffragettes allowed only men to attend the Institute at this point, due to the fact that they believed "The gentler sex is not suited for such work, we focus instead on world leadership." This cabal was not overthrown until 1959 when a team led by Julian McPhee dismantled the Institute's leadership through subterfuge and a careful application of guile. With the suffragettes out, both men and women were now allowed to receive an education at the newly renamed California State Polytechnic University for the Deaf. (The last part is generally omitted, as the University stopped exclusively accepting deaf students in 1973.) John Madden's inability to control the volume of his voice is not due to rampant syphilis, as many have surmised, but due to a rare form of hearing loss that does not allow him to hear the sound of his own voice. Please don't make fun of him, it's not nice to make fun of deaf people.

The final decades of the 20th century were marked by a drastic increase in the amount of scientific research conducted at the University. As a result, San Luis Obispo is not only known for mankind's greatest victory over the dinosaurs, but also the moment where that victory was nearly undone. A certain Dr. Cano extracted dinosaur DNA from the many fossils littering the San Luis Obispo area, remnants of the battle that had occurred so long ago. Using the DNA, Cano was able to successfully create a litter of baby dinosaurs much to the horror of the federal government. Fearing the coming of a new threat to human dominance the government scheduled the dinosaurs for termination. However, Bethany Johnson, a student whose affection for the doctor was long spurned, stole several of the infant dinosaurs and made her way to a secret island in the Caribbean hoping to fulfill Cano's greatest dream and perhaps win his love for good. Though as the evidence from the documentary film "Jurassic Park" suggests Ms. Johnson's aspirations were horribly misguided and resulted in an international tragedy that led the world the closest to the brink of world war since the launch of the solar-powered nuclear submarines off the coast of Manchuria in the summer of 1969.

One can only surmise as to what the future holds for Cal Poly. Current University President Warren Baker's extended tenure has led many to assume that Cal Poly scientists have nearly perfected a method of life extension. Whatever it is, some believe that President Baker is committed to staying in office until the University's research actually does push the world into an earth-shattering conflict. More conservative observers of our region's history believe he is just waiting for a low-cost high-quality burrito to be made natively in the town.

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