Tuesday, April 22, 2008

A Literal Sermon

Good evening, brothers and sisters. We gather here today to remember what we stand for: that are things worth standing up for! That there are things which we should fight for! That there are things to Kill, to die for! You, brother, there in the front, what is your name? Jimmy? And how old are you son? Thirteen? Still going by Jimmy, eh? Well tell me something, brother Jimmy. As a young man who has a clear sense of purpose in this world, where do you see yourself fighting to keep these self-evident truths alive? Ha ha! Let's all hope it never comes to that! Jimmy, you're a fine young example for the rest of the young men here. That's right! Young men of the congregation! Listen up! There are things you must know about this world, things you must know to properly defend what has been given to you. The land upon which you tread has been consecrated by the blood of Christ, has been consecrated by the blood of heroes! Are you willing to stand up and be a hero! Stand up! You! You are standing up! Come here! What do you think you are doing, standing there? Do you think you are ready to be a hero? A terrorist stands over your head, blade in hand, ready to do you in, in a way far more savage than what you have ever seen on your television, on your internet, in your imagination! This terrorist is more than just a man of flesh and blood. He is a terrorist of spirit, of deception, of death itself! Yes, you all know of whom I am speaking! The devil himself, Beelzebub, the Antichrist! The terrorists are fueled with the fire of the devil! Now, young man, come here, you who are so bold as to stand ready in church before all your peers, family and friends, and proclaim your willingness to be a soldier in the name of the Lord! Stand proud and march yourself straight up here! Now, tell me, are you ready? No, shout it! Are you ready? Shout it louder! Tell the congregation you are ready! Tell your mother! Tell your father! Tell your friend in the front row who is more concerned with that girl sitting across from him than the earthly incarnation of the greatest battle the earth has ever known! The battle of good and evil! Tell them! Now, son, which side are you on? Yes, yes, yes. Stand up! You! Are you ready? Anyone else? Stand up and be counted! It is time to tell your family what time has come! Are you a man? Are you a man? Or, are you a mouse? Do you cower in the holes of the walls of your America, an America which has been built by the greatest architect of all, Liberty herself? Or, do you walk outside of the front gates, ready to do battle? Stand up! I want to hear what you have said! Louder! Everyone! Turn away the devil, turn away your iniquities! Turn into what the Lord Jesus Christ has always wanted you to be: the greatest man who has ever been pushed out of his mother onto this green planet to defend all that is right and good! I want to see, by a show of hands, those here who consider themselves Christians. Now, don't answer yet! Look deep inside yourselves. This is the most important questions anyone has ever asked of you. Look deep! What have you found? A well of love, hope and understanding which surpasses all human reckoning? Have you found a bottomless pit of sin and death? If you have that beautiful well, raise your hand! Raise it proudly! Look at this boy here, the courageous boy, the one who has the strength to stand in front of you, prepared! Look! He has the strength and the love of the Lord! Both! What have you? What say you? Is there no other person here strong enough to proclaim what is within themselves? Yes! I can hear you brother! Say it again! Yes! That's right! Speak that truth! Now, what of the rest of you? Is there anyone who would like their pit of sin to be filled by a well of love eternal? Who is brave enough to admit that they are lost and need the love of Christ? Who is brave? Anyone? Bravery! Let it shine through your very person! This is now the time in which we sing. Old sweet Lorraine, lead us into one of your beautiful hymns! Have the words of the saints bear us home! As your teacher, friend, and guide, I assure you that I am prepared to send your sons to war, prepared to send them home in body bags! Let us see the devil procure their souls from within the gates of Heaven! I am prepared to send every last one of not only your sons, but your daughters as well, to the very gates of Saint Peter! Perhaps the time has come to sever the bonds of family, the bonds of friendship. Sever those bonds, friends, there will be time for friendship when His Kingdom comes. There will be time! Do not let the terrorists claim the lives of your children! Allow the Lord to take your children in his own time. Perhaps that time is now! We shall lay hands on the children to pray for their souls, after the hymn of course, and ask the Lord for guidance. Now, to singing!

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