Excerpt from the Orlando Sentinel: A Brewing Storm Around Local Hurricane Relief Campaign

By Angela Lansbury, Orlando Sentinel
September 13, 2011

ORLANDO --- Controversy erupted today around new local football team Hulk Hogan's Mustache. An extremely ill-conceived hurricane relief event sponsored by the team was picketed by numerous local citizens. The campaign, called "F*** Hurricanes," was the team's attempt to begin reaching out to the victims of recent Hurricane Irene.

Of course, the signs decorating the football team's so-called Hulkadome were not censored and instead prominently displayed the four-letter obscenity in bright letters. Local resident Tamara Shotwell spoke to me yesterday. "I was deeply offended. I drive by this monstrosity of a stadium everyday to take my kids to school. Now I have to look at this filth?"

Team owner Michael Leahy responded to criticism with his usual evasiveness. "I've been looking into who it was that came up with the relief program. I assure you that once I do, that person will be fired. But don't expect any news soon."

Leahy's typically petulant behavior was also on display as he continued to complain about the public's response. "I mean, what the hell? I'm giving back to this stupid community. I wanted to open my damn team in California, but the f***ing commissioner forced me to move to g**damn f***ing s***hole Orlando. F*** this place. And who was that bitch that called my stadium a monstrosity? It's f***ing badass. And this time, use all my f***ing titles. I gave those to me for a reason, so f*** you." Leahy then proceeded to ask me out on a date. I politely declined.

Fallout from the "F*** Hurricanes" campaign was felt in Miami as well. The president of the University of Miami expressed concern that the campaign could also be used against the University in a derogatory fashion. University of Florida students have been collecting the campaign's signs in anticipation of this year's rivalry football game. Miami president Jerry Connell expressed concern that the signs would inflame the already heated rivalry.

Press Release from the Hulkadome: Week 1 in the Books

September 13, 2011

ORLANDO, FL ---
Despite a strong Week 1 effort from quarterback Michael Vick, poor running back performances doomed the Mustaches. Vick, however, remained positive. "It's Week 1. We're still working out the kinks. I think this team just needs to play together a little more and we'll be fine."

These assurances will likely not deter head coach Michael Leahy from taking a hard look at his roster for upcoming weeks. "I think we missed an opportunity to try out some of our younger and more dynamic players. James Starks was just sitting there on the bench, and he really could have helped us out today."

Team owner Michael Leahy echoed the head coach's thoughts. "I really thought we missed an opportunity to give a chance to our dynamic and younger players. Ryan Grant just really didn't have it on Sunday."

Despite the tough loss, hope springs anew. Mustache Riders president Gus Keller is excited about the Week 2 matchup with Ndamukong Suh the Bastards. Keller is planning a rally in front of the Hulkadome before kickoff. Keller added, "I don't understand that team's name. Suh is on our team."

"And I am Swiss."

As a last note, corruption charges against the Bastards' owner Nicholas O'Brien are still pending before the federal court. Mustache owner, CEO, president, general manager, head coach and special teams coordinator Michael Leahy is a well-known proponent of the group leading the charge against O'Brien. Much of the litigation focuses on O'Brien's conflict of interest resulting from his place as both commissioner of the league and owner of the Bastards. The Mustaches' general counsel Colin Murphy told the press, "It's bullshit that O'Brien gets to be commissioner and an owner. That asshole gave himself the first pick in the draft too. And no, I don't think it's a conflict of interest that I'm an owner and also another team's general counsel. I'm good at my fucking job."

Nicholas O'Brien was not available for comment at this time.

Press Release from the Hulkadome: Week 1 on the Horizon

September 6, 2011

ORLANDO, FL ---
The new Hulkadome looms over the skyline of Orlando, FL. The inaugural season of Hulk Hogan's Mustache is about to get underway. The team was formed and signed an entire roster of players in the space of little over an hour last night, but they'll be ready to play next Sunday when Team Denton comes into town.

"It's a real thrill," says new Mustache defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh. "It's great to be in Florida. I mean, I'm not getting paid, but hey, anything to get out of Detroit, right?"

It was smiles all around when the president of the team's fan club, the Mustache Riders, had a chance to meet with new running back Rashard Mendenhall. "It was so awesome. I loved Mendenhall in Pittsburgh, but now, out of the snow and shitty Pittsburgh weather, he'll be so awesome. Ride the mustache, baby!" The president, Gus Keller, is surprisingly knowledgeable about football for being Swiss. "I was concerned though that Mendenhall told me he hadn't gotten paid yet. But hey, ich liebe Deutschland!"

Team owner, CEO, president, general manager, head coach and assistant defensive line coach Michael Leahy is excited to build a fan base this season. "We're going to have a lot of great promotions and other exciting events to really draw people in. But it's going to be the quality of play that keeps them here."

"And don't listen to the players. We are having absolutely no payroll issues. The checks are just in the mail."

A Constructive Note

Fuckin' A. They say a man ain't a man till he's built something. Something that he can be proud of, something that shows the world that he is a man. For the past two years, Bill, I've been building. Waking up early on Saturday, staying up late during the week. Day in and day out, my mind fixed on my goal: to leave a legacy, to remind people of who I was. And I think I've done it. I've spent hundreds, thousands of dollars on this monument to manhood. I believe I may have personally paid for my local hardware store's mortgage twenty years early. But that was the dedication I put forth into this structure. You see, it wasn't just me up there, swinging my hammer, pounding in the nails, my dad was up there too. Just like the day he gave me my first screwdriver he closed his hand around mine and guided my skill. I could feel his presence. In a strange way, I almost feel like I built this not only for me, but for him as well. You know Bill, there were days when I didn't think I would ever finish. There were days where things just didn't go right. Days like that one afternoon my dog chased a squirrel through the site and ended up in the cement truck's mixer. So this is dedicated to him too. Even though I know you were always supportive of my work, I have to mention all the doubters and scorners too. They were the ones who gave me the little extra bit of fire I needed on days where I just felt like this project would never end. Rather than crush my spirit, they only caused it to soar higher. So I thank them too. But last of all, I want to thank you, Bill. Without your steady hand at the rudder, I would never have sailed so straight. Ironic choice of words, I know, but thank you all the same. Now today we have a place to engage in our leather-bound masochistic butt-fucking without any looky-loos or inquisitive children. Get that ass inside, Bill.

Comedy that Crucifies

How you all doing tonight? Great, great. Tonight I'm gonna make you laugh, cry, and sing, all in the name of the Lord. Hopefully. Ha ha. Let me tell you about a little place I like to go. I call it my "special place." Even Jesus don't know where that is, so I tell him, "Hey Jesus, this way, don't bump your head!" He did once. Guess he's used to torture! Well anyway, I went into my special place to talk to the Lord a little bit. Lord, I said, The wife and I been having some problems lately. Sometimes I just don't know what she's talking about. But I mean, the Longhorns were on the five with thirty seconds left down by a field goal! How'm I supposed to listen to how the kids' grades is slippin' when the volume's up to 78? Don't she know that Saturday is a day of reverence? I guess it is for Jews and University of Texas football fans!

You know, kids is such a blessing. Or maybe one of the seven plagues. First plague: too many mouths to feed and a whole heap of debt. Seventh plague: relief. Just kidding to all of you proud parents out there. You know, I'm very proud of my children. Three of 'em are gonna be in college all at the same time, though. I know, I know. There is nobody on Earth praying for the Rapture harder than I am. You know, that reminds me. D'you think that if the Rapture happened during the Super Bowl we could all just say, "Hang back, Lord, I gotta know what happens!" I can't wait to see what the Lord has to say about football. I'm one step away from proclaiming it the most wonderful thing ever invented. Right behind eternal grace.

I'd really like to thank all of the fine people at this wonderful institution for letting me speak here tonight. I know it's strange asking a comedian talk for the sermon, but I'm sure you all here don't mind a little spice added to the Bread of Life! The pastor here, Reverend Simmons, this man sure has seen it all. He's so old, he learned to swim to survive the Great Flood! I've also had a wonderful chance to work hand-in-hand with Assistant Pastor Jenkins. He told me that he loves the church here, and that the Reverend is a very exacting and demanding mentor. Said that if he had been around during Moses' time, he would've edited the "Ten Commandments!" I told him, "If? I heard there were originally twelve of 'em and old Reverend Simmons sat down with Moses hisself and told him to cut it down!" Well, that's all the time I've got, but I'd like to finish with some words of wisdom that I was lucky enough to receive at a young age. "Sharpening your spiritual edge is as important as sharpening the edge of your sword, for the day will come when iron fails and all you will have left is yourself and your Lord." Thank you very much.

And if you come to tonight's show, I'll be treating you to a frank and extensive description of my cock.

Beijing 2008

Hey Lawrence. Yeah, good weekend. How was yours? Oh, great. That kid of yours sure has a wild streak! Gotta keep an eye on her as she grows up! Yeah. Oh, Larry, here's that report you needed. I don't think it's gonna be a feasible idea. The numbers just don't line up. Yeah, I know this is an important account. Ok, I'll see what I can do. Yeah, just give me a little time to iron it out. Yeah, no problem. Hey, you been watching the Olympics? Man, those people are amazing! I can't believe it! That Michael Phelps, eight gold medals, that's a shitload. I'd be happy with just one. So, you must be pretty excited about the whole thing. Well you know, it taking place in Beijing and all. Really highlights your culture! Well, I mean that having the Olympics in China really shows the world how far your people have come. I was watching this History Channel special the other day about China, about how long it cut itself off from the rest of the world and how only Ping-Pong brought the world into the Forbidden City. Man, you must be GREAT at Ping-Pong. Yeah, we should play some time! My brother would barely believe it if I told him I beat a Chinese guy at Ping-Pong. You guys totally stole all the medals in that sport. Oh, excuse me, table tennis. That's awfully pretentious. It's Ping-Pong, dammit. Did you ever hear that joke about the two Chinese guys named Ping and Pong? Guess what sport they invented. Tennis! Ha ha, yeah. No, I don't think that's necessarily racist. Now I bet you've got all sorts of relatives named Ping and Pong! Wait a second, American names don't have base or ball in them. What are you implying? That's right. Look, I'm just commenting on your Chinese heritage. I'm sure you're proud of it. No, seriously. I really am saying you should be proud of what your people are proud of, hell, I'm proud of Stonehenge! That's my Scottish side coming out. Whoa, all of them? Oh, I guess they must have left at least one person, or else you wouldn't be here. Yeah, I guess the Chinese occupation of Manchuria must have been hard on you. Speaking of occupations, did you ever see that movie "Braveheart?" It's awesome, reminds me of my family's struggles. You guys have a movie like that? So all of the Koreans were subjugated and some were slaughtered? Guess that wouldn't make for that great of an ending…

Great Literature

Yes, I wrote another book. "Another?" You say. Surely you have heard of me? I have written several articles for the Atlantic Monthly, and have had multiple book reviews featured in The New Yorker. Aren't you a connoisseur of fine literary magazines, many of which I have been submitting short stories to for many years? No? My stories are highly recognizable: those which deal most piercingly with loss, death and the redemptive qualities of sweet revenge. Before you say another word, I will say, yes, that these seem to be rather pedestrian subjects for an intellect so obviously well-tutored as my own. Let me just say that had you ever indulged in one of these stories, you would clearly see how I manage to display the inner-workings of any of my subjects in the most incisive way possible. I give details where they are needed, furthermore, I close off my subjects so as to allow you, my faithful reader, the chance to inject your own experiences into my stories. Yes, I know you have yet to read anything of mine, but you shall! And once you do, there is not a single doubt in my mind that you are to become a faithful reader of mine! What's that? No, no, no. You cannot COUNT your fans in numbers, or your success in money, rather in the impact which you unleash upon a people needing a jolt! If only publishers understood the real yardstick of success! These half-breed troglodytes are forever surprised that another young writer has killed their self after another rejection letter, only to find that that young writer's unfinished work was the next Great American Novel. It's true! Have you read A Confederacy of Dunces? Brilliant! As an unfinished novel, most ambitious! What a charming story! Oh, yes, you have read it? No, no, it was not finished. Are you serious? My publisher must have wrangled me an early copy prior to its editing! Yes, that must be it. Of course. Ha ha! This reminds me, in a most profound way, of the journey of the protagonist of my latest novel! For you see, young Antawn Johnson was always told he would be nothing but a lowly janitor. But then, by the grace of his beautiful young English teacher, a woman drawn to urban life out of her own childhood's suburban trappings, Antawn learns the value of great literature. What does he become? Oh, a spoken-word poet who dabbles in music, of course! I can relate so strongly to this character, well, the English teacher, I mean. As an idealistic young man fresh out of the University of Pennsylvania, I ventured into the city of Philadelphia to impact those communities! And impact, I did! In fact, had the uneducated swine of a principal at the high school not fired me for my so-called "offensive" and "alienating" teaching methods, those children would have had no choice but to succeed. I love rap and hip-hop, I listen to the Roots and Mos Def most every day. They are my education of the streets, something I could bring to those students! An outside perspective! But I suppose, in this hyper-sensitive, politically correct, good self-esteem world, there is no more room for the upper class white man. Now I know why my books have yet to be published!