How you all doing tonight? Great, great. Tonight I'm gonna make you laugh, cry, and sing, all in the name of the Lord. Hopefully. Ha ha. Let me tell you about a little place I like to go. I call it my "special place." Even Jesus don't know where that is, so I tell him, "Hey Jesus, this way, don't bump your head!" He did once. Guess he's used to torture! Well anyway, I went into my special place to talk to the Lord a little bit. Lord, I said, The wife and I been having some problems lately. Sometimes I just don't know what she's talking about. But I mean, the Longhorns were on the five with thirty seconds left down by a field goal! How'm I supposed to listen to how the kids' grades is slippin' when the volume's up to 78? Don't she know that Saturday is a day of reverence? I guess it is for Jews and University of Texas football fans!
You know, kids is such a blessing. Or maybe one of the seven plagues. First plague: too many mouths to feed and a whole heap of debt. Seventh plague: relief. Just kidding to all of you proud parents out there. You know, I'm very proud of my children. Three of 'em are gonna be in college all at the same time, though. I know, I know. There is nobody on Earth praying for the Rapture harder than I am. You know, that reminds me. D'you think that if the Rapture happened during the Super Bowl we could all just say, "Hang back, Lord, I gotta know what happens!" I can't wait to see what the Lord has to say about football. I'm one step away from proclaiming it the most wonderful thing ever invented. Right behind eternal grace.
I'd really like to thank all of the fine people at this wonderful institution for letting me speak here tonight. I know it's strange asking a comedian talk for the sermon, but I'm sure you all here don't mind a little spice added to the Bread of Life! The pastor here, Reverend Simmons, this man sure has seen it all. He's so old, he learned to swim to survive the Great Flood! I've also had a wonderful chance to work hand-in-hand with Assistant Pastor Jenkins. He told me that he loves the church here, and that the Reverend is a very exacting and demanding mentor. Said that if he had been around during Moses' time, he would've edited the "Ten Commandments!" I told him, "If? I heard there were originally twelve of 'em and old Reverend Simmons sat down with Moses hisself and told him to cut it down!" Well, that's all the time I've got, but I'd like to finish with some words of wisdom that I was lucky enough to receive at a young age. "Sharpening your spiritual edge is as important as sharpening the edge of your sword, for the day will come when iron fails and all you will have left is yourself and your Lord." Thank you very much.
And if you come to tonight's show, I'll be treating you to a frank and extensive description of my cock.