A Constructive Note

Fuckin' A. They say a man ain't a man till he's built something. Something that he can be proud of, something that shows the world that he is a man. For the past two years, Bill, I've been building. Waking up early on Saturday, staying up late during the week. Day in and day out, my mind fixed on my goal: to leave a legacy, to remind people of who I was. And I think I've done it. I've spent hundreds, thousands of dollars on this monument to manhood. I believe I may have personally paid for my local hardware store's mortgage twenty years early. But that was the dedication I put forth into this structure. You see, it wasn't just me up there, swinging my hammer, pounding in the nails, my dad was up there too. Just like the day he gave me my first screwdriver he closed his hand around mine and guided my skill. I could feel his presence. In a strange way, I almost feel like I built this not only for me, but for him as well. You know Bill, there were days when I didn't think I would ever finish. There were days where things just didn't go right. Days like that one afternoon my dog chased a squirrel through the site and ended up in the cement truck's mixer. So this is dedicated to him too. Even though I know you were always supportive of my work, I have to mention all the doubters and scorners too. They were the ones who gave me the little extra bit of fire I needed on days where I just felt like this project would never end. Rather than crush my spirit, they only caused it to soar higher. So I thank them too. But last of all, I want to thank you, Bill. Without your steady hand at the rudder, I would never have sailed so straight. Ironic choice of words, I know, but thank you all the same. Now today we have a place to engage in our leather-bound masochistic butt-fucking without any looky-loos or inquisitive children. Get that ass inside, Bill.

Comedy that Crucifies

How you all doing tonight? Great, great. Tonight I'm gonna make you laugh, cry, and sing, all in the name of the Lord. Hopefully. Ha ha. Let me tell you about a little place I like to go. I call it my "special place." Even Jesus don't know where that is, so I tell him, "Hey Jesus, this way, don't bump your head!" He did once. Guess he's used to torture! Well anyway, I went into my special place to talk to the Lord a little bit. Lord, I said, The wife and I been having some problems lately. Sometimes I just don't know what she's talking about. But I mean, the Longhorns were on the five with thirty seconds left down by a field goal! How'm I supposed to listen to how the kids' grades is slippin' when the volume's up to 78? Don't she know that Saturday is a day of reverence? I guess it is for Jews and University of Texas football fans!

You know, kids is such a blessing. Or maybe one of the seven plagues. First plague: too many mouths to feed and a whole heap of debt. Seventh plague: relief. Just kidding to all of you proud parents out there. You know, I'm very proud of my children. Three of 'em are gonna be in college all at the same time, though. I know, I know. There is nobody on Earth praying for the Rapture harder than I am. You know, that reminds me. D'you think that if the Rapture happened during the Super Bowl we could all just say, "Hang back, Lord, I gotta know what happens!" I can't wait to see what the Lord has to say about football. I'm one step away from proclaiming it the most wonderful thing ever invented. Right behind eternal grace.

I'd really like to thank all of the fine people at this wonderful institution for letting me speak here tonight. I know it's strange asking a comedian talk for the sermon, but I'm sure you all here don't mind a little spice added to the Bread of Life! The pastor here, Reverend Simmons, this man sure has seen it all. He's so old, he learned to swim to survive the Great Flood! I've also had a wonderful chance to work hand-in-hand with Assistant Pastor Jenkins. He told me that he loves the church here, and that the Reverend is a very exacting and demanding mentor. Said that if he had been around during Moses' time, he would've edited the "Ten Commandments!" I told him, "If? I heard there were originally twelve of 'em and old Reverend Simmons sat down with Moses hisself and told him to cut it down!" Well, that's all the time I've got, but I'd like to finish with some words of wisdom that I was lucky enough to receive at a young age. "Sharpening your spiritual edge is as important as sharpening the edge of your sword, for the day will come when iron fails and all you will have left is yourself and your Lord." Thank you very much.

And if you come to tonight's show, I'll be treating you to a frank and extensive description of my cock.

Beijing 2008

Hey Lawrence. Yeah, good weekend. How was yours? Oh, great. That kid of yours sure has a wild streak! Gotta keep an eye on her as she grows up! Yeah. Oh, Larry, here's that report you needed. I don't think it's gonna be a feasible idea. The numbers just don't line up. Yeah, I know this is an important account. Ok, I'll see what I can do. Yeah, just give me a little time to iron it out. Yeah, no problem. Hey, you been watching the Olympics? Man, those people are amazing! I can't believe it! That Michael Phelps, eight gold medals, that's a shitload. I'd be happy with just one. So, you must be pretty excited about the whole thing. Well you know, it taking place in Beijing and all. Really highlights your culture! Well, I mean that having the Olympics in China really shows the world how far your people have come. I was watching this History Channel special the other day about China, about how long it cut itself off from the rest of the world and how only Ping-Pong brought the world into the Forbidden City. Man, you must be GREAT at Ping-Pong. Yeah, we should play some time! My brother would barely believe it if I told him I beat a Chinese guy at Ping-Pong. You guys totally stole all the medals in that sport. Oh, excuse me, table tennis. That's awfully pretentious. It's Ping-Pong, dammit. Did you ever hear that joke about the two Chinese guys named Ping and Pong? Guess what sport they invented. Tennis! Ha ha, yeah. No, I don't think that's necessarily racist. Now I bet you've got all sorts of relatives named Ping and Pong! Wait a second, American names don't have base or ball in them. What are you implying? That's right. Look, I'm just commenting on your Chinese heritage. I'm sure you're proud of it. No, seriously. I really am saying you should be proud of what your people are proud of, hell, I'm proud of Stonehenge! That's my Scottish side coming out. Whoa, all of them? Oh, I guess they must have left at least one person, or else you wouldn't be here. Yeah, I guess the Chinese occupation of Manchuria must have been hard on you. Speaking of occupations, did you ever see that movie "Braveheart?" It's awesome, reminds me of my family's struggles. You guys have a movie like that? So all of the Koreans were subjugated and some were slaughtered? Guess that wouldn't make for that great of an ending…

Great Literature

Yes, I wrote another book. "Another?" You say. Surely you have heard of me? I have written several articles for the Atlantic Monthly, and have had multiple book reviews featured in The New Yorker. Aren't you a connoisseur of fine literary magazines, many of which I have been submitting short stories to for many years? No? My stories are highly recognizable: those which deal most piercingly with loss, death and the redemptive qualities of sweet revenge. Before you say another word, I will say, yes, that these seem to be rather pedestrian subjects for an intellect so obviously well-tutored as my own. Let me just say that had you ever indulged in one of these stories, you would clearly see how I manage to display the inner-workings of any of my subjects in the most incisive way possible. I give details where they are needed, furthermore, I close off my subjects so as to allow you, my faithful reader, the chance to inject your own experiences into my stories. Yes, I know you have yet to read anything of mine, but you shall! And once you do, there is not a single doubt in my mind that you are to become a faithful reader of mine! What's that? No, no, no. You cannot COUNT your fans in numbers, or your success in money, rather in the impact which you unleash upon a people needing a jolt! If only publishers understood the real yardstick of success! These half-breed troglodytes are forever surprised that another young writer has killed their self after another rejection letter, only to find that that young writer's unfinished work was the next Great American Novel. It's true! Have you read A Confederacy of Dunces? Brilliant! As an unfinished novel, most ambitious! What a charming story! Oh, yes, you have read it? No, no, it was not finished. Are you serious? My publisher must have wrangled me an early copy prior to its editing! Yes, that must be it. Of course. Ha ha! This reminds me, in a most profound way, of the journey of the protagonist of my latest novel! For you see, young Antawn Johnson was always told he would be nothing but a lowly janitor. But then, by the grace of his beautiful young English teacher, a woman drawn to urban life out of her own childhood's suburban trappings, Antawn learns the value of great literature. What does he become? Oh, a spoken-word poet who dabbles in music, of course! I can relate so strongly to this character, well, the English teacher, I mean. As an idealistic young man fresh out of the University of Pennsylvania, I ventured into the city of Philadelphia to impact those communities! And impact, I did! In fact, had the uneducated swine of a principal at the high school not fired me for my so-called "offensive" and "alienating" teaching methods, those children would have had no choice but to succeed. I love rap and hip-hop, I listen to the Roots and Mos Def most every day. They are my education of the streets, something I could bring to those students! An outside perspective! But I suppose, in this hyper-sensitive, politically correct, good self-esteem world, there is no more room for the upper class white man. Now I know why my books have yet to be published!

An Exercise in Profanity

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The Engineer’s Lament

There are many words for this feeling: love, lust, longing. There are also many words for this which do not begin with "L" but I have only a limited time to talk to you today, and cannot log the emotions I feel alphabetically. I look deep into my heart and remove the stone which makes it so heavy. So heavy! I wonder if God has made this stone. Could he lift it? Could I? I removed it, but how? Was there no one here to listen to me, listen to my cries of shame? I rest my loins, they have grown heavy with the toll of human life, with the extreme patience required to live an astounding 19 and a half years on this planet. I am a fuck-up. I sit around, pulling on my cock day in and day out. There are things that I will try, things that others can't even pronounce, yet I have done them to my own body! I sat under a broad tree yesterday, imagining the spread, fragrant space between my lab partner's legs. She sits there, never explicitly noticing me. Yet I know she is explicitly longing for me, as I do her. I would love to do her. My friends tell me it's all in my head, but I am acutely aware of how my staggering knowledge of steel and its properties makes her pussy all wet. I can almost feel it! Taste it! The damp taste of pubic hair and lady juice! Oh how I long to bury my face in between those legs of hers. I know she looks at me out of the corner of her eye. Her single, burning, blue eye (blue! like the sky!) pierces my soul to the core. The velocity of her stinging stare exceeds mathematical limits! She has achieved light speed! My throbbing cock, waiting for her mouth, allows itself to grow larger (and more embarrassing) the longer she feigns ignorance of my presence. This next class, I know, she will wait for me after class and lead me to the women's room, empty save for her heavy breathing, and remove my greatest sin: the stain of virginity! I will roll for initiative, if only in my mind, to take control of her body and make her mine! That cunt of hers, so beautiful! (I heard this word, cunt, on the forums the other day. Sounded cool!) What a wonderful piece of intelligently designed flesh! I shall make her mine! My horde of peers, (shall I say, "Horde?") will be ultimately jealous! Through her blissful cover of late-onset acne and early-onset diabetes, I see a princess waiting to be saved! She is not in another castle, she is here! If only she would look past my own physique, scarred by years of neglect and C++! If only! I love you, dear swan, dear lady! Amin mela lle! (I have recently taken up Elvish, and hope to read The Lord of the Rings in its native tongue.) Speak to me, and not only of the stress of steel beams! Perhaps the stress of being star-crossed lovers! Perhaps of being so perfect to another that it is impossibly sure! Impossible never seemed so possible! The strongest shape is not the triangle, it is two people! Come here! I will see you in only a few short minutes, then we shall never part! I will rub your shoulders as you calculate, massage your feet during programming, kiss you as you chew on your eraser! If only I could diagram my heart, but alas, it is measured in English, not metric! There are no SI units for love! Let us create our own units of measurement, measurably only by us two, known to only us! There is no ambition greater than this! We shall succeed! FREEDOM!!!!

A Literal Sermon

Good evening, brothers and sisters. We gather here today to remember what we stand for: that are things worth standing up for! That there are things which we should fight for! That there are things to Kill, to die for! You, brother, there in the front, what is your name? Jimmy? And how old are you son? Thirteen? Still going by Jimmy, eh? Well tell me something, brother Jimmy. As a young man who has a clear sense of purpose in this world, where do you see yourself fighting to keep these self-evident truths alive? Ha ha! Let's all hope it never comes to that! Jimmy, you're a fine young example for the rest of the young men here. That's right! Young men of the congregation! Listen up! There are things you must know about this world, things you must know to properly defend what has been given to you. The land upon which you tread has been consecrated by the blood of Christ, has been consecrated by the blood of heroes! Are you willing to stand up and be a hero! Stand up! You! You are standing up! Come here! What do you think you are doing, standing there? Do you think you are ready to be a hero? A terrorist stands over your head, blade in hand, ready to do you in, in a way far more savage than what you have ever seen on your television, on your internet, in your imagination! This terrorist is more than just a man of flesh and blood. He is a terrorist of spirit, of deception, of death itself! Yes, you all know of whom I am speaking! The devil himself, Beelzebub, the Antichrist! The terrorists are fueled with the fire of the devil! Now, young man, come here, you who are so bold as to stand ready in church before all your peers, family and friends, and proclaim your willingness to be a soldier in the name of the Lord! Stand proud and march yourself straight up here! Now, tell me, are you ready? No, shout it! Are you ready? Shout it louder! Tell the congregation you are ready! Tell your mother! Tell your father! Tell your friend in the front row who is more concerned with that girl sitting across from him than the earthly incarnation of the greatest battle the earth has ever known! The battle of good and evil! Tell them! Now, son, which side are you on? Yes, yes, yes. Stand up! You! Are you ready? Anyone else? Stand up and be counted! It is time to tell your family what time has come! Are you a man? Are you a man? Or, are you a mouse? Do you cower in the holes of the walls of your America, an America which has been built by the greatest architect of all, Liberty herself? Or, do you walk outside of the front gates, ready to do battle? Stand up! I want to hear what you have said! Louder! Everyone! Turn away the devil, turn away your iniquities! Turn into what the Lord Jesus Christ has always wanted you to be: the greatest man who has ever been pushed out of his mother onto this green planet to defend all that is right and good! I want to see, by a show of hands, those here who consider themselves Christians. Now, don't answer yet! Look deep inside yourselves. This is the most important questions anyone has ever asked of you. Look deep! What have you found? A well of love, hope and understanding which surpasses all human reckoning? Have you found a bottomless pit of sin and death? If you have that beautiful well, raise your hand! Raise it proudly! Look at this boy here, the courageous boy, the one who has the strength to stand in front of you, prepared! Look! He has the strength and the love of the Lord! Both! What have you? What say you? Is there no other person here strong enough to proclaim what is within themselves? Yes! I can hear you brother! Say it again! Yes! That's right! Speak that truth! Now, what of the rest of you? Is there anyone who would like their pit of sin to be filled by a well of love eternal? Who is brave enough to admit that they are lost and need the love of Christ? Who is brave? Anyone? Bravery! Let it shine through your very person! This is now the time in which we sing. Old sweet Lorraine, lead us into one of your beautiful hymns! Have the words of the saints bear us home! As your teacher, friend, and guide, I assure you that I am prepared to send your sons to war, prepared to send them home in body bags! Let us see the devil procure their souls from within the gates of Heaven! I am prepared to send every last one of not only your sons, but your daughters as well, to the very gates of Saint Peter! Perhaps the time has come to sever the bonds of family, the bonds of friendship. Sever those bonds, friends, there will be time for friendship when His Kingdom comes. There will be time! Do not let the terrorists claim the lives of your children! Allow the Lord to take your children in his own time. Perhaps that time is now! We shall lay hands on the children to pray for their souls, after the hymn of course, and ask the Lord for guidance. Now, to singing!